I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
\nRodney Dangerfield<\/em><\/p>\n

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
\nEllen DeGeneres<\/em><\/p>\n

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
\nGeorge Carlin<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
\nPaul Merton<\/em><\/p>\n

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
\nSteve Martin<\/em><\/p>\n

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
\nLes Dawson<\/em><\/p>\n

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…
\nSteven Wright<\/em><\/p>\n

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
\nGeorge Burns<\/em><\/p>\n

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
\nMarty Feldman<\/em><\/p>\n

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
\nRobin Williams<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"template":"","class_list":["post-1205","text-joke","type-text-joke","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatcanadianjokebook.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/text-joke\/1205","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatcanadianjokebook.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/text-joke"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatcanadianjokebook.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/text-joke"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatcanadianjokebook.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1205"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}