I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Paul Merton

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
Steve Martin

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…
Steven Wright

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Robin Williams