Text Jokes

Real Life

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called “Ministers Do More than Lay People”. 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. …

A Wifes Love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the …

Star Trek

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.” The President …

Inner Peace

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of …

Compliment

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”

Rear Ended

I rear-ended a car this morning … the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said “I am NOT Happy!” So I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

Women are So Smart!

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my …

Little Johnny & the #2 Pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in catholic school. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. “Tell me Susie, who created the universe?” When Susie didn”t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took …

Women Power!

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president’s secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner. Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why he was so interested in talking to …

Laundry and Men

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt, seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma .” And …

Aging … Ahhhhhh

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and tell …

Four Lessons to Learn

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a …

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the “T” shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes …

Silver Surfers

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he …

On a Roll

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet wenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude”. With that, she strippedfrom the neck down, rolled …

Ontario in Heat

Finally a joke about Ontario that does not involve the losing Maple Leafs or the Sens! An Ontarian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie all die and go to hell. While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it …

Dictionary of Sorts

ADULT – A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR – A place where women curl up and dye. CHICKENS – The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE – A body that …

Johnny Wants a Sundae

Little Johnny has waited all week to go to Dairy Queen … Mom promised and he can wear his holster with the double set of pistols. He’s all set, got his two gallon hat, boots … They go into the store, walk up to the counter. Susie asks Johnny what …

Hunters Dilemma

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the …

A Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The …

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. A store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself …

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has …

Farmer Jokes

Two farmers are in a field. First farmer points to a tree and says, “See that tree? That’s where I lost my virginity.” Second farmer says, “Yeah? Was it good?” First farmer says, “Yeah, till her mom showed up.” Second farmer says, “No way! What’d she say!” First farmer says, …

Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You are in charge of …

Attraction Explained

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time …” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me …” “God made me stupid so …

Big Talk

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day about – 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men …” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

Cigarettes And Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes …

Y Generation

People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation … People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers … People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X … And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y … Why do we call the …

One Liners

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the …

The Economic Fix

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg, Florida Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on “How Would You Fix the Economy?” I think this guy nailed it! Dear Mr. President, “My Patriotic Retirement Plan” Please find below my suggestion for fixing America’s economy. Instead of giving …

Un-Modern Man

1) How long does it take a woman to clean the toilet? Who cares, as long as dinner is on the table by 6. 2) Why do women have small feet? So they can get closer to the sink. 3) Pick the odd one out: a woman, a washing machine, …

Womens’ Revenge

Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked.” No, she replied, but my husband refused to …

Women in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn’t so bad … After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about …

The Blond Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks, “Why in …

Saturday Stroll

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.” The lady with the chihuahua said, “We can’t go …

Ralph And Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. Sadly,he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him, she swam to the …

Mental Health Test

HOW FAST CAN YOU GUESS THESE WORDS BELOW? 1. F _ _ K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. _ _ NDOM ANSWERS: 1. FORK 2. PULSE 3. SIX 4. PANTS 5. BOOKS 6. RANDOM You got all 6 WRONG … Didn’t you?

Kids – The Old Days

Were you born sometime between 1930 – 1979? THIS IS FOR ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s! Written by this old comedian – Mr. Jay Leno 1) First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. 2) They …

Its Okay Not To Laugh

It’s okay if you don’t laugh at my jokes. I’m use to doing show for deaf people … and wakes … and Pentecostal prayer meetings. I have to be careful at the prayer meetings. Every time I tell a joke with Jesus in it, as soon as they hear ‘Jesus,’ …

Indoor Golf Rules

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. For most …

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately …

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